WASHINGTON, D.C – In a move that meteorologists are calling “deeply rude” and the Pentagon is calling “technically just winter,” Greenland announced today that it has officially deployed its weather against the United States.
The operation, codenamed Project Brrr-rn Notice, involves heavy snow, relentless blizzards, and soul-crushing cold temperatures aimed squarely at the U.S. mainland.
Greenlandic officials described the action as a “measured atmospheric response” to President Donald Trump’s plan to overtake Greenland, adding that “diplomacy failed, so we chose vibes, mainly bad ones.”
The U.S. government was reportedly blindsided by the attack, having failed to anticipate that Greenland’s primary export – weather that hurts your feelings – could be weaponized.
“We prepared for cyberwarfare, trade disputes, even polar bears invasions,” said one unnamed official while shoveling a driveway for the fifth time. “But snow? In bulk? That slipped through the cracks.”
Emergency meetings were convened to determine whether snowstorms fall under NATO’s Article 5 or just under “things you complain about on the news.”
Greenland’s leadership remained unapologetic, noting that snowstorms have always been their strongest bargaining chip.
“We don’t have a massive military,” said a spokesperson wrapped in seven layers of wool. “But we do have sideways snow, winds that slap, and temperatures that make your phone battery panic. Use responsibly? Maybe. Use symbolically? Absolutely.”
The spokesperson confirmed that the weather strike would continue “until further notice or until the United States stop asking if Greenland is for sale.”
Meanwhile, Americans across the country are adjusting to the new reality of geopolitical winter. Grocery store shelves are empty, flights are canceled, and millions are staring out frosted windows wondering what they ever did to Greenland personally.
President Trump has not formally responded, though sources say he is “very unhappy with the snow” and is considering retaliatory measures, including tariffs on ice, sanctions against clouds, and declaring Florida emotionally exempt from cold.
As of press time, Greenland’s weather showed no signs of backing down, swirling ominously and minding its own business, as it always has.
*Image: Ai-generated