WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump declared today that he plans to complete a full four-year presidential term “faster than anyone has ever seen,” possibly wrapping up by a Tuesday in April.
Speaking from Mar-a-Lago, Trump claimed that his term could be several times speedier than Joe Biden’s, citing his “natural ability to fast-forward history” and “tremendous energy that clocks can’t handle.”
“Biden’s term is slow. Mine? Light-speed. Warp-speed. Tremendous speed. People don’t even know speed like this,” Trump said.
Trump outlined an ambitious schedule in which executive orders would be signed at “hyper-speed,” press conferences would last precisely 12 seconds, and Cabinet meetings would be replaced with brief, hand-signal-based communication.
“We’re talking a four-year term in maybe four months,” he said, “it’ll be amazing, everyone will be amazed. The slowpoke Biden, he takes four years to do one thing, I do everything in one weekend!”
Experts in physics and time management were not immediately available for comment.
Critics pointed out that compressing four years into a fraction of the time could create logistical challenges, including overlapping holidays, elections, and, reportedly, reality itself.
“I tried to get a timeline, but the calendar started yelling at me,” one congressional aide admitted.
As for the American people, reactions were predictably mixed. Some cheered the promise of instant policy gratification, while others worried about the potential for a temporal paradox or sudden acceleration of inflation.
Trump, however, remained unfazed. “I’ve always said I’m the fastest. People said it couldn’t be done. Well, it can, and it will. Maybe even before lunch!”
*Image: Flickr.com/Gage Skidmore