WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that if the United States is “not allowed successfully, beautifully, and very strongly occupy Greenland,” the nation would instead turn its attention to a more strategically vital territory: Disneyland.
“Look, Greenland would’ve been nice, very icy, very big,” Trump said, gesturing vaguely northward. “But Disneyland? Tremendous land. Very magical. Frankly, people are saying it’s already basically a country.”
According to administration officials, the proposed occupation would be swift and decisive, beginning with the immediate annexation of Main Street, U.S.A., which the president reportedly described as “already patriotic, already American, maybe the most American street we have.”
Trump emphasized the park’s existing infrastructure as a key national security asset. “You’ve got trains, castles, tunnels, fireworks every night. The military loves fireworks,” he explained. “And Space Mountain? That’s Space Force, folks. We barely even have to rename it.”
Sources say negotiations with Disney executives have been tense, particularly after Trump floated the idea of replacing Mickey Mouse with a bald eagle “wearing a really nice red tie.”
The president also proposed rebranding several attractions, including Pirates of the Caribbean as “Trade Negotiations of the Caribbean” and It’s a Small World as “It’s a Small World, But We’re Winning.”
When asked about international reaction, Trump shrugged. “NATO loves Disneyland. Everyone loves Disneyland. I don’t see a problem.”
At press time, the White House confirmed that a ceremonial flag-raising would be scheduled “sometime after the parade,” pending availability of Goofy for a potential Cabinet position.
*Image: AI-generated