WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump announced today that he has signed a new presidential executive order officially declaring the Houston Texans as the Super Bowl LX champions.
“Why wait for the season to end on Sunday when we can just make history now?” Trump told reporters in the White House press room, surrounded by gold-plated footballs and a life-sized cutout of himself in a referee uniform.
Sources say the order will include detailed provisions, such as awarding the Texans extra touchdowns per game, automatic field goals in the final minutes, and a federal mandate that opposing teams must call “Trump Timeouts” whenever the Texans are in danger of losing.
“It’s all about fairness,” the former president explained. “I’ve seen unfairness, folks, and this is the fairest order in history. Believe me.”
NFL officials have reportedly been “stunned and slightly confused,” with some players reportedly asking if they need to start carrying passports to play against the Texans.
Meanwhile, betting markets have entered a state of chaos, with sportsbooks joking that anyone who bets against Houston might be committing “treason against executive orders.”
Both, political and sports commentators note that this move blurs the line between politics and sports in ways never seen before.
“We thought ‘Monday Night Football’ was dramatic,” said one commentator. “Turns out you just needed an executive order. Next, we might see presidential decrees on who wins the World Series or Wimbledon.”
In the meantime, Houston fans are reportedly already planning parades, while New England Patriots and Seattle Seahawks fans quietly question whether they need to hire lobbyists to reverse the ruling.
*Image: AI-generated