TEHRAN, IRAN – A council of Iranian ayatollahs announced today that less than 24 hours after the arrival of Chuck Norris in Heaven, “there are officially no more virgins left.”
The declaration, delivered with complete seriousness, added that celestial accounting systems “collapsed under unprecedented demand,” prompting emergency meetings across multiple dimensions.
Officials claimed that what began as a routine afterlife intake quickly spiraled into what one cleric described as “a metaphysical liquidity crisis of virtue.”
Witnesses reportedly saw Saint Peter “checking paperwork, sighing deeply, and then just handing Chuck the keys.”
Meanwhile, sources in Heaven say the concept of “reward allocation” has been permanently redefined, with one angel admitting, “We used to have policies. Now we just have Chuck.”
The statement went further, suggesting that several long-standing theological assumptions may need revision.
“We had prepared for many scenarios,” one unnamed scholar said, “but not for a man whose beard alone appears to have its own gravitational pull.”
Attempts to restore order were reportedly abandoned after a brief but decisive roundhouse kick “that may or may not have altered the laws of physics.”
At press time, representatives from multiple faiths confirmed they are working together on a joint update to their doctrines, tentatively titled ‘Contingency Plan: In Case of Chuck.’
Meanwhile, in what experts are calling the least surprising development of all, Death itself has declined to comment, allegedly stating only: “I didn’t take him, he took me.”
*Image: AI-generated