WASHINGTON, D.C. – Sources inside the Pentagon reportedly unveiled that President Donald Trump has prepared a fresh batch of 300 brand-new ultimatums aimed at Iran, each more “tremendous” than the last.
The announcement comes as tensions remain high over the reopening of the Strait of Hormuz, which Iran has so far resisted despite repeated deadlines and threats.
According to insiders, the ultimatums are neatly organized in color-coded binders labeled “Very Serious,” “Extremely Serious,” and “This Time We Really Mean It.”
Sources inside the Pentagon say the strategy is simple: if Iran refuses one ultimatum, President trump will immediately issue another, slightly louder one.
“President Trump has prepared enough ultimatums to last well into next Tuesday,” one defense official explained, while standing in front of what appeared to be a warehouse filled with printed threats and PowerPoint slides.
Military planners emphasized that each ultimatum includes increasingly dramatic wording, ranging from “final warning” to “final final warning (seriously).”
Meanwhile, Iranian officials reportedly responded by asking whether the ultimatums come with a loyalty program or bulk discount.
Negotiators involved in ceasefire talks – already strained over demands to reopen the waterway – said they were “trying to keep a straight face” as the number of ultimatums climbed into triple digits.
Diplomatic mediators warned that while tensions are already dangerously high, the introduction of “ultimatum fatigue” could become a new and entirely unpredictable factor in the conflict.
At press time, President Trump hinted that even more ultimatums could be on the way, stating, “Nobody does ultimatums like we do – nobody.”
Pentagon officials confirmed they are also exploring next-generation options, including pre-ultimatums, retroactive ultimatums, and a premium “deluxe ultimatum package” featuring bold fonts and underlined threats.
Analysts say the situation remains volatile, especially as real-world warnings about strikes on on infrastructure and escalating retaliation continue to raise global concerns.
*Image: AI-generated