WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a shocking but somehow unsurprising announcement, the freshly rebranded Department of War held a press conference this morning to declare its first official mission: war against the city of Chicago.
The Secretary of War told reporters, “We needed a war we could start and end quickly, preferably before lunch. Chicago fits the criteria.”
President Trump, visibly excited, addressed the nation from a gold-trimmed podium. “Nobody has ever ended a war like me, folks. I will end this war against Chicago so beautifully, so quickly, it’ll make World War II look like amateur hour. Chicago will surrender – believe me – and then they’ll thank me. Everyone’s saying it.”
Sources say Trump plans to personally accept Chicago’s surrender papers on the 18th green of one of his golf courses.
The Pentagon – sorry, the War-tagon as it’s now called – outlined battle plans that mostly involved surrounding the city with fireworks and blasting Kid Rock songs on loop until Chicagoans surrendered.
Intelligence analysts warn the strategy could backfire, as locals may mistake it for a tailgate party and join in. Meanwhile, the National Guard is reportedly negotiating with Chicago’s deep-dish pizzerias to switch sides in exchange for stuffed-crust immunity.
Critics have pointed out that Chicago is, in fact, still part of the United States, to which the Department of War responded, “Details, details.”
Officials say the whole point is to give Trump the “glorious peace deal” he’s been craving. “It’s a win-win,” the Secretary insisted. “The President ends a war, Chicago gets free national attention, and America finally knows what the Department of War is for again.”
Meanwhile, most Chicago residents remain unbothered, insisting they’ll carry on as usual. “They can declare war all they want, but unless they figure out how to shovel our snow or fix the ‘L,’ we won’t even notice,” said one commuter.
Analysts predict the conflict could drag on for years, not due to resistance but because the Department of War underestimated Chicago traffic.
*Image: AI-generated