WASHINGTON, D.C. – Today, President Trump’s Office would like to clarify the recent “Vladimir, STOP!” tweet that has caused MASSIVE confusion among fake news outlets, sad internet bloggers, and even Vladimir himself (who apparently texted back a thumbs-up emoji and a picture of a bear).
The President wishes to make it clear:
- He was not attempting to end a war. He was attempting to end his lunch order. President Trump had requested “Vladimir’s Very Best Vodka Pasta” from Mar-a-Lago catering, and it arrived cold. Hence the “STOP!”
- “5000 soldiers” was a typo. It was supposed to read “5000 sodas” because he believes Coca-Cola production in America has suffered due to Sleepy Joe’s (that is former president Biden) weak leadership and Putin’s weather balloons.
- “Peace Deal” actually refers to a new real estate project called “Mar-a-Kyiv” – a luxury golf resort Trump plans to build after the situation calms down. Expected amenities include gold bunkers and tanks repainted in tasteful beige.
In conclusion: the President is deeply committed to peace, prosperity, and pizza. Especially pizza. Possibly also golf. And tanning lotion. Thank you for respecting this difficult time.
Signed,
Ms. Candy Fitzsparrow
Deputy Assistant to the White House Social Media Secretary of Donald J. Trump
* Image: X.com