WASHINGTON, D.C. – Aides described it as “a truly baffling development,” when Vice President JD Vance was reportedly stunned this week to discover that members of the American far left do not, in fact, admire him for repeatedly criticizing them.
According to sources, Vance stared at a whiteboard covered in phrases like “Strongly Worded Rebuke” and “Extra Disdain???” before asking, “But have they considered how passionately I oppose them?”
The confusion reportedly peaked after Vance convened an emergency strategy session titled Operation: Why Aren’t They Grateful? During the meeting, he allegedly unveiled a PowerPoint slide reading, “Step 1: Publicly denounce far left. Step 2: ??? Step 3: Receive applause.”
Staffers gently suggested there might be a missing step between “denounce” and “applause,” but the Vice President dismissed this as “elitist nuance.”
Witnesses claim Vance briefly considered whether he needed to hate the far left more clearly.
“Maybe they think I’m being ironic,” Vance mused, while drafting a tweet clarifying that he was “100% sincere, no sarcasm, absolutely serious.”
Meanwhile, bewildered far-left activists reportedly confirmed they remain “unconvinced” and “not especially flattered,” adding that being someone’s rhetorical punching bag is “not typically a bonding experience.”
At press time, Vance was said to be exploring bold new outreach efforts, including hosting a “Hate-A-Thon Appreciation Week” and offering limited-edition “Thanks for Disagreeing” mugs to ideological opponents.
Insiders say Vance remains hopeful that if he simply explains his disdain in a slightly friendlier tone, the far left will finally respond with the standing ovation he has long suspected was just delayed in the mail.
*Image: Flickr.com/Gage Skidamore