HELL, UNDERWORLD – Sources confirm that Satan has officially vacated President Donald Trump’s right hand, citing “unbearably high blood sugar levels” as the primary cause.
Eyewitnesses report the Devil packing his tiny pitchfork and muttering something about “the audacity of all that fat and sugar from burgers and cola beverages.”
“I thought I could handle Trump… then I tasted his blood sugar. Nope. Not happening,” was the only comment that eyewitnesses heard Satan mumbling to himself when leaving.
Medical experts were quick to weigh in, noting that Trump’s notoriously sugar-heavy diet could make even Hell itself reconsider its living arrangements.
“We can confirm that extremely high glucose levels are hazardous,” said one baffled endocrinologist. “Apparently, even Lucifer has limits.”
Trump, when asked about the demonic eviction, reportedly shrugged and said, “He’s probably just jealous of my tremendous stamina. Everybody says I have the best stamina. Tremendous stamina.”
Meanwhile, aides are rumored to be negotiating a “sweetener-free” lease agreement, hoping to lure Satan back for seasonal appearances.
In a statement released on Instagram Stories, Satan reportedly lamented, “I thought I could handle it, but honestly, his hand tastes like a five-layer cake stuffed with jelly beans. I’m taking my pitchfork elsewhere.”
Demons nationwide are said to be monitoring the situation closely, debating whether to invest in sugar-free human hosts moving forward.
* Image: X.com