WASHINGTON, D.C. – White House personnel awoke this week to discover that yet another room had fallen victim to what insiders are now calling “The Midas-on-a-Budget Curse.”
Each night, without warning or explanation, another room of the presidential residence is mysteriously coated in a suspiciously shiny, obviously fake layer of imitation gold.
Sources report that while the Lincoln Bedroom remains untouched for now, the Oval Office has been transformed into what one aide described as “a Vegas-themed mausoleum.”
The phenomenon first appeared two months ago, when the East Room’s grand piano was discovered covered in gold spray paint so streaky that the original wood finish was still visible.
By Wednesday, the Roosevelt Room’s famous round table had been rendered unrecognizable beneath what appears to be adhesive-backed foil purchased in bulk from a discount craft store.
“We thought it was a prank at first,” said one Secret Service agent, “but no one in this building has that kind of free time… or that many coupons.”
As the gilding spread, staffers became increasingly unnerved. Maintenance crews attempted to strip the gaudy finish, only to find that the material regenerates overnight, often with additional glitter accents.
An intern reportedly tried to buff the “gold” on a doorknob, only to discover it was just gold-colored duct tape. “We’re dealing with something supernatural,” whispered one White House historian. “Or possibly a disgruntled art student with access to a hot glue gun.”
Officials remain tight-lipped about the situation, though anonymous insiders suggest morale is dipping fast.
“We’re running out of normal-looking rooms to hold press briefings in,” one aide confessed. “Yesterday the Situation Room was lined with gold fringe curtains, and honestly, it looked like a low-rent karaoke bar.”
The National Park Service has been contacted for help, though experts warn that if the trend continues, the White House risks being reclassified not as a national landmark, but as the world’s largest dollar-store casino.
* Image: X.com/@WarTranslated